Trying times are times for crying..oops

“You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept.” – Kahlil Gibran

It’s okay to cry.. just saying. And finding someone who you can be yourself with, who you can shed the tough exterior and be that fragile self that you try your very best to hide from the rest of the world, that’s priceless.

Tears cleanse what’s within. And we are not alone. True friends will remain. And it’s them who matters.

It’s okay to cry. 

Direction

They say when nothing is going right, go left.

Feeling quite lost at the moment and I have no idea where to steer myself next and then how. But it certainly does feel like life is pointing me in another direction I just need to trust my guts and figure out what it is that I need to do to in order to see it.. clearly/ rationally. I need to know and plan before I execute anything. Always a calculated risk, not a head first plunge without knowing how deep the water is. I’m just really in an unstable place/situation and I need security in my life.

So help me God. Help me figure it out. And not be afraid.

To Sum It Up

What did I do the past 3 days off work? 

I spent the first 2 days going around the malls and hunting down bargains, (it’s kind of therapeutic and an achievement getting an item say 50-70% off its original price).. I don’t know.. it did help for a moment there and I felt good. But then of course “the high” dissipated slowly but much slower than anticipated.. for I also kept thinking of who else I can buy things for or whenever I get an item to who can I give it to? It’s an adrenaline pumping activity, like a hunt, and patience can be rewarding especially when you finally see and physically “seize” the size that you want ahead of the rest. Hah! I resisted the urge to pat myself on the back a couple of times back there. lol. So, it’s not mostly for me, shopping is more therapeutic in a sense I know I’ll be giving stuff away to someone who may like or need it. Giving really is better than receiving. The “high” lasts much longer but of course I get to treat myself every once in a while.

Also by the end of the 2nd day, out of spontaneity, I went ahead and joined a friend in a Zumba class. I felt quite embarassed for I seem to have two left feet but it was a class of roughly 8 non-judgmental people so that helped boost my confidence quite a bit. I went around splaying my limbs to the beat trying my best to copy the moves of the person in front of me. We had a few laughs in between. It was a lot of fun, I did enjoy that. 

Then afterwards (as per my suggestion) we headed to the closest buffet place we could find. I was famished. Oh boy.

Third day, as expected, I felt a lil bit of pain around my shoulders (we did some toning activity with some weights while dancing) yes, that happened. So I decided to just rest and watch movies and then more movies. I did go out for a 30 minute jog around the vacant parking lot at sunset. Hmm running, that is a whole different topic for me. I might write about it some other time. It’s like when life gets too much, there’s that. I can do that and not think about anything else, just focus on keeping one foot in front of the other in a rhythmic gradual pace. The technique, they say, is proper breathing and having a strong core. Well I missed out on several core exercises.. I just run and breathe as I know how at the moment. 

I don’t know what I’m doing with my days off. I feel like I’m practically letting the days go by while I do these things, like fillers, just to say there’s something. Well since it’s not going well at work (as you can imagine from my vague lamentations from previous posts), I can’t shake this feeling of wanting to do some really purposeful things or be in a place where I can truly be part of something.. but maybe someday, when I have the guts to do that. 

Basically, that’s what’s up. How are you doing?

Hope You Don’t Mind

From where do you get your motivation?

  • To wake up
  • Smile
  • Go to work
  • Deal with difficult situation(s)
  • Deal with difficult people
  • Sleep
  • And then do it all over again

It has really been a roller coaster of emotion the past several weeks and I think I’m the passive aggressive type.. it’s difficult to contain it all in while appearing physically normal while mentally everything just feels it’s going haywire. 

I pray, I talk to the Almighty asking for strength, guidance and then to myself (a lot), I try to make sense of things, I reason out, play scenarios, I calculate. But the self pep talk can only take me so much. But don’t get me wrong heartfelt prayers help me a lot and carry me through the worst of days. Most times, I feel like I just need to surrender control and let the chips fall where they may… if only it’s that easy. Come to think of it, nothing in this world is ever truly ours.. even the air that we breathe, we return back (we exhale)– read that from somewhere, not exactly as is but hopefully you get the idea. So there.. since I cannot fully talk about it with anyone I know personally (in person and then right now), I’ll just write about it. At least it’s out there somehow. 

Feeling too overwhelmed to function.. 

But really..

How do you engage with life when it throws you its curveballs and at a time when you’re feeling quite downtrodden? 

Musings 

“There isn’t always a good guy nor there is a bad one, most people are somewhere in between.”

Heard it from one of the movies I was watching. I’ve always believed that people are inherently good but they are not always throughout their years. I am not always good nor always bad either. 

It’s difficult to truly place anyone though it’s easy to judge and be judged from first impressions to several encounters but what is it that truly matters? How can you explain a life that is well lived? Or people who seem to have everything figured out?

These are just some of the things I contemplate when I am left by myself with my thoughts. As much as I wouldn’t want to be affected by other’s perception of me, I am only human and curiousity can get back at you when you are not ready to face all probabilities of an answer. 

I will let go of it for the time being. For in these quiet moments I cannot help but rummage through my life questions not nearly feeling quite resolved of my summations of it. Answers being replaced with more questions. What is the purpose really but of finding one’s purpose, but then again not everyone have them all figured out.

We tend to categorize everything that is within the scope of our abilities. We have a clear delineation of the do’s and the dont’s of life but still feel lost in its translation. It is not always what it seems. And actions stems from all sorts of differing circumstances. 
I don’t know. I’m almost always caught in between the rubbles of my meandering thoughts.

So, I tell myself again, I will let go of it for the time being.

Take Down Notes

“Take the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turn it into something resembling lemonade..”

Guess from where? Just happen to take few consecutive days off from work and immerse myself with well you know, self-indulging activities (movies, tv series, book- currently there is 1 I’m slowly trying to finish), lots and lots of sleep that my back now seems to hurt) Anything in excess can’t all be good so they say, and I believe they’re right. Well that and I would also like to add food but I’m not a great cook and I recently started to refrain from eating junk food for I told myself I need to take care of myself more, so with food I eat what I can… what I can cook mostly and that’s not a lot. lol 

Having this kind of time for oneself is a privilege, not everyone gets to have a moment in this busy world, well, some may have too much of it that they seem to forget what it’s like to live with others within close proximity while the rest of the world may be too busy they can’t even take a moment for themselves to slow down, relax and breathe. Balance is the key to everything. Still learning on that department, but grateful for my occasional time-out. 

So during this ‘me-time’ whenever I stumble upon reading or hearing something that is worth remembering I try to keep it in mind for as long as I can.. but end up losing it in memory along the way. So hence, I plan to write them down virtually for easy access (see above). I hope I can keep doing this for the rest of my years.. 

Words are words but when carefully put together they create meaning and whenever there is meaning, they carry that chance, that certain capacity to inspire and when you’re one of those who catch that, who can take a moment to reflect and then act on it, then that’s just wonderful. Who knows what you can do next, what change it’ll invoke you to make, what kind of life you’re giving love a chance to grow at.. and so on.

Read, listen, or make your own words that make sense. We can learn from each other. Be inspired or be an inspiration so they say, and I believe they’re right.

Jot down and take some notes, well that’s what I plan to do. *insert smiley face here.

Have a good one. By the way, the quote was from one of the tv series I love, This Is Us. Great watch.