Thoughts: Attraction/ Distraction

The rules of attraction are complicated..

Honestly I don’t even know how it works.

I seem to like some people in certain different ways and oddly not like “like” them in a way that I think I should but then, they do or say some things that would catch my attention and then maybe just maybe.. but then again maybe not. 

How would you know exactly when you’re not even sure yourself?

When out of nowhere, while having absolutely no intention of looking, some do stand out from the crowd and I can’t help but notice their every move without actually watching..there’s this certain kind of feeling, it’s like your senses are heightened when they’re around and you feel a certain kind of vibe that they “might” feel the same coz they pay attention or they may just be being friendly and nice. So what on Earth does that mean?

It may be that my imagination is running wild and well ahead of me or my quite unsure self is once again putting meaning into irrational things. I really don’t know or wouldn’t know unless they tell me directly, I guess, coz I wouldn’t dare make the first move. I find faults and rationalize why it shouldn’t be so just to justify the attraction as mistaken ambiguous laps of judgement. Sure I can keep admiring them from a distance and wonder til my brain bleed then I would get over it as I usually eventually do. It can get tiring.

I use plural form for I’ve had several instances of these mental conundrums with different people.

It’s like taking a step forward and then 2 steps back. 
Why must they be so puzzling? 

People are complicated.

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You got to, move it!

As I’m sipping my cup of coffee, my maintenance caffeine fix, I can’t help but wonder the many possibilities that is all around the world… how vast and abundant. What I need to figure out now is how to access them.. can’t really get to it without following the steps, filling out forms, ticking out boxes of required documents, paying the fees and so on and so forth, and then not forgetting one major part of the whole process, which involves tantamount of waiting. Add to that, faith and positive thinking. The thought of it all in general can be overwhelming.. but as long as you don’t do anything, you remain exactly where you are. Fear is not the enemy, it’s inaction. It’s when you allow fear to paralyze you completely and you end up stuck wishing if you only had the guts to get a move on in life, things would’ve been different. 

But it’s never too late to take the hardest step, which they say is usually the first one. The whole thing won’t be easy, anticipate setbacks but the journey will be worth it.. you’ll see. 🙂 

You got this. 

(self pep-talk)

Start at the End

One sentence at a time..

At a time when it’s hard for me to even utter a word. And so..

So this is what it feels like..

Like I’m out of touch or rather I chose not to engage with the world.

The world that is so loud and messy. 

Messy hah! Messy is being in my head, for sure, if there’s one thing I know.. it’s that one.

Dreams

What do you make of them?

There are themes that kept recurring, others that are easily forgotten once consciousness sets in leaving only traces of what might’ve transpired, jolts of sudden afterthoughts through the somehow wakeful day ahead.

Trying with all my mind.. to understand, create meaning to the experiences of my dreams or to the several little pieces of inaccurate memories I’m still able to grasp about them despite its vagueness and intangible complexities.

What are they for?

This Show

This Is Us is not entirely helpful.. I find myself crying thru almost every episode.. family does create such a strong impact in every personal development and watching a beautiful family who loves each other despite the many hurdles, issues, fights and trials make it all the more emotionally taxing. Seriously, from seeing the unconditional love of a parent to a child and vice versa, unspoken love between and among siblings, love for another person who is completely unrelated, love of 2 people that eventually builds a strong foundation of a home (a warm home), to getting the right kind of advice from a friend at the right time. All of which are told in many different stories but ultimately highlights that kindred human spirit of belongingness, connection, genuine affection and understanding for each other.. yes, simply, that four letter word, l-o-v-e… something that couldn’t be captured exactly well in words.. it goes above and beyond limiting definition. It can be found no matter the race or the circumstance and despite all the many other things that life can throw at it, it’s a reminder that we belong and that we matter to others, especially family and vice versa.

Got me feeling and realizing how I’m not even close to having something like it.  

And that’s quite sad.

But this show.. is just darn too beautiful to miss.