If I could only say the words I really wanted to say..
I used to watch tennis few years ago when I was feeling stressed at work. I followed all the major leagues that year and had favorite players of my own. Or I just watch whoever was playing and be immersed in it. It distracted me from the negative vibes set off by the new unwanted tasks at hand, which got me so anxious if I could deliver since my heart was not totally in it.
That’s how I was or am. I disengage. Nobody wants to be forced into doing anything she doesn’t like. But for some reason I got myself in it and had to go through the motions to participate. And I did. I did my part in as much as I can. And then I left, for it was time to move on to something new and the change was well overdue.
But now I find myself in an almost similar feeling, anxious about a whole new situation that’s not particularly healthy for the mind and soul to constantly be worrying about.
I’m thinking about watching tennis again..
If I could only hold on to an experience a little while longer, if I could hit pause to savor precious moments some more and further immerse in a scenic escapade and take in much more of its splendor… there are times in this journey when there is so much to embrace with such little time but alas, time goes on as quickly as it arrives, I have to move along with it even if I didn’t want to but still, a little bit of real life slo-mo effect wouldn’t hurt.
Some wishful thinking.
There are just moments.. places.. people.. that make you want to believe how it is possible..
.. for a minute to feel like a lifetime.
And make you realize how this life is worth living.
Turn your worries into prayers.
When there’s no one else to talk to, not even a self to convince..
It’s difficult to acknowledge feelings of helplessness, of longing of something I never dared to speak of to anyone. Something that I would love to also be in, to have, and be a significant part of. I’m not anywhere near that as of the moment.
It’s just that the desire is here right now, confronting me straight in the face. I am the most coward and stubborn person I know, definitely not a great combination. So what of these aspirations and dreams if I don’t even have the guts to chase after them literally or acknowledge it with anyone.
And it’s pathetic how I seem to be so desperate trying to assume of it with just about anybody I encounter as long as they’ve shown a lil bit of compassion.. but that longing I keep to myself, a struggle I wiggle myself out of each time, knocking some sense into the misconstrued exchanges, actions and of notions that maybe it isn’t just me who feels this. But then again no. Or I don’t know. I’ve never had the guts to do anything at all really. I save myself the humiliation. I can’t let my guard down.
So there. This sucks. I know.