If I could only say the words I really wanted to say..
I used to watch tennis few years ago when I was feeling stressed at work. I followed all the major leagues that year and had favorite players of my own. Or I just watch whoever was playing and be immersed in it. It distracted me from the negative vibes set off by the new unwanted tasks at hand, which got me so anxious if I could deliver since my heart was not totally in it.
That’s how I was or am. I disengage. Nobody wants to be forced into doing anything she doesn’t like. But for some reason I got myself in it and had to go through the motions to participate. And I did. I did my part in as much as I can. And then I left, for it was time to move on to something new and the change was well overdue.
But now I find myself in an almost similar feeling, anxious about a whole new situation that’s not particularly healthy for the mind and soul to constantly be worrying about.
I’m thinking about watching tennis again..
If I could only hold on to an experience a little while longer, if I could hit pause to savor precious moments some more and further immerse in a scenic escapade and take in much more of its splendor… there are times in this journey when there is so much to embrace with such little time but alas, time goes on as quickly as it arrives, I have to move along with it even if I didn’t want to but still, a little bit of real life slo-mo effect wouldn’t hurt.
Some wishful thinking.
There are just moments.. places.. people.. that make you want to believe how it is possible..
.. for a minute to feel like a lifetime.
And make you realize how this life is worth living.
Turn your worries into prayers.
When there’s no one else to talk to, not even a self to convince..
It’s difficult to acknowledge feelings of helplessness, of longing of something I never dared to speak of to anyone. Something that I would love to also be in, to have, and be a significant part of. I’m not anywhere near that as of the moment.
It’s just that the desire is here right now, confronting me straight in the face. I am the most coward and stubborn person I know, definitely not a great combination. So what of these aspirations and dreams if I don’t even have the guts to chase after them literally or acknowledge it with anyone.
And it’s pathetic how I seem to be so desperate trying to assume of it with just about anybody I encounter as long as they’ve shown a lil bit of compassion.. but that longing I keep to myself, a struggle I wiggle myself out of each time, knocking some sense into the misconstrued exchanges, actions and of notions that maybe it isn’t just me who feels this. But then again no. Or I don’t know. I’ve never had the guts to do anything at all really. I save myself the humiliation. I can’t let my guard down.
So there. This sucks. I know.
What’s the best way to wrap up a day? I think it’s when you take a few minutes to think about or rather write about the things that happened, which may or may not be significant. It’s such a nice feeling to have moments to reflect upon and be grateful for.. to remember, reminisce and re-live afterwards.
I’ve missed out on so many days.. so many.
I’m nearing the end of my annual vacation.. I needed this so much.. I couldn’t believe I’ve pushed thru with my plans since a lot of unexpected things have transpired at work, well that’s mainly one of the reasons why I needed this. So much. And I’m doing it. Although I sort of told myself to stay away from social media and group chats pertaining to work but I couldn’t help but take a peek every once in a while. Eek.
I’m just so grateful I’m able to do this. To travel alone to meet family and then travel some more to meet friends and attend a friend’s milestone (I was a bridesmaid at her wedding) and then travel once again to meet the rest of other members of the family.
Family. It is what it’s all about I guess. I’ve had so many realizations in this trip and deep conversations about life with some friends.
Just seeing them, being a witness of the love that they (we) share, knowing I’m a part of something so beautiful beyond words..
That’s something to reflect upon and be grateful at the end of each day.
As for Jnanna, it’s a word I learned from my 6 year old genius niece today. It’s an old Indian Sanskrit meaning “knowledge”
Kids these days.
When things go beyond your control, breathe.. surrender, let go and let God. He is bigger than anything.
And I have faith in Him.